I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
