i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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