I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
