If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
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