Will you blow on my dice?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
