No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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