I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
