Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
