I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
