I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize