yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
The adults are the big ones right?
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
