My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
