Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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