the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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