I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
