Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
