I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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