My Higher Power is John Stamos
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize