My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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