Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
it glows. i had to have it.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
