we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
