I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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