My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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