I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
