I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
