he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
