Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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