the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
