Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He's a Shit stain on my heart
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
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