Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
