Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
