If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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