His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
