You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
