I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
