The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
