im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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