She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
