new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize
