That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
