Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
