I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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