Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i wish my penis had a tongue
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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