If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize