My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize