forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i will never coherently bang her
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Randomize
