wakey wakey hands off snakey
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
