The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
