Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
