Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
