I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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