I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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