Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
