Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
