I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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