i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
