I wish I could teleport
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize