The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
