I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
