Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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