If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
