That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
