Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Randomize