I'm sorry my penis didn't work
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize