If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
