I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
