I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
