Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
3pm strippers are depressing
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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