We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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