There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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