nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
