It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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