Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Randomize
